They gave us Capri Sun, Aldi, Trader Joe's (kinda), and this guy ... Daniel Tosh.
"Oh the floors lava! Thats the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you dont get that. I dont care, thats ok. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing - you were poor. Ill tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo" "Oh the floors lava!" "Oh my God! Whats wrong with our house? Why cant we afford better carpeting? Its called two jobs, bitch!" Thats how I used to talk. I was very street. Maybe not."
"Ever have a nightmare then decide to tell somebody about it and about halfway through your explanation you realize you're retarded? Is there ANY way you can describe a nightmare to be scary? "I had a scary dream last night." Okay, tell me about it. "I was running through this pool of marshmallows in my flip-flops, right? Then the manager came running out of nowhere and HE starts going 'Mmrammramrm' and there was only 18 seconds to eject before the bowling alley closed, and, Tom, you were there but you didn't LOOK like Tom and that was freaking me out! I love cheese!" What? We're no longer friends."
"Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.' And I know happy days are around the corner."
"If "no" meant "no" then every man would die a virgin."
"I hope we find a cure for every major disease. I'm tired of walking 5k."
Friday, July 25, 2008