i'm s.o.-less. that's generally the natural state of things, and it's not a huge deal. i am, however, beginning to become annoyed that the entire world invests so much stock in pairing (or tripling) up, but hey, let them eat cake (and no that's not meant to be derisive or condescending, though it totally sounds like it). no, *random person*, i'm not 'seeing' anybody. no, *random person*, that doesn't fill me with all-consuming fear. if people could do two things for me, 1) stop trying to fix me up because they think i'm pathetic and 2) stop championing the cause of couplehood as the superior state of being, i could stop being annoyed. anyone taking notes? good.
traditionally, i have an annual fling with some guy i've met somewhere and he sticks around for a pretty predetermined amount of time then the whole thing implodes. that is the process. last year, there must have been something wrong with the chemistry because the entire thing went kaput right in the beginning. it doesn't matter though; it (last year's near fling) served its purpose anyway. you see, i'm not a long hauler. i figure that people come into your life, you learn a lesson (and have some fun if you're lucky), and then they disappear into the void. it's very simple. there is no planning for marriage or moving in with folks, "lovin' is really my game" (all my disco heads will get that). i was lying in bed this morning thinking about the totally awful dream i had wednesday night (and boy was it awful. i woke up with a start at 6 a.m. even though i had gone to bed totally too late and needed at least three more hours of sleep. the moment i was conscious a parade of failures marched through my mind causing me to repeatedly yell expletives at the dark room. i actually had to stop myself from turning on the waterworks. what's weird is that i have had possibly THE most gruesome dreams of anyone i know since i can remember. every night, i'd wake up with some new series of gory and disturbing horror stories to tell--one of my best involving newborn babies crashing to the ground--and i was never really bothered by these. i just accepted them as part of my repressed and twisted state of mind, no big whoop. but the night before last i had a dream that really screwed me up. i had to sedate myself to fall asleep last night. anyway...) and i had to snap myself out of it. my perceived failures were starting to feel insurmountable simply because i was moving toward "the bad place" (sounds like an unnaturally precocious and creepy kid in a b horror movie, nice).
the fact is i'm not doing so bad, and the mere coincidence that everyone my age (and younger) are getting married and/or shacking up is nice for them, but that is not me. i surveyed my past flings, and i've learned some pretty valuable lessons that one shouldn't shake a stick at (don't you just love all these folksy witticisms): ambrose* taught me that being a total slut in the right context is okay; cecil* taught me that craziness can be functional; squelch* taught me that i've got to be more aggressive; and farouk* taught me that i'm not as honest and straight forward as i think i am. (there were some other people sandwiched in there, but they either reinforced lessons or i can't remember their names well enough to disguise them.) i think that's some good stuff; now i just have to internalize all of it. what is my point here since this is just starting to sound like a crazy single person's justification for being alone? well...i'm not quite sure. i just felt the need to type all that.
* names have clearly been changed simply because former interests stumbling upon your website and seeing their names is potentially uncomfortable. i mean i'm weird, but i'd try my damndest not to date someone named cecil.