Friday, January 05, 2007

do you like being single c) EBTG

i'm s.o.-less. that's generally the natural state of things, and it's not a huge deal. i am, however, beginning to become annoyed that the entire world invests so much stock in pairing (or tripling) up, but hey, let them eat cake (and no that's not meant to be derisive or condescending, though it totally sounds like it). no, *random person*, i'm not 'seeing' anybody. no, *random person*, that doesn't fill me with all-consuming fear. if people could do two things for me, 1) stop trying to fix me up because they think i'm pathetic and 2) stop championing the cause of couplehood as the superior state of being, i could stop being annoyed. anyone taking notes? good.

traditionally, i have an annual fling with some guy i've met somewhere and he sticks around for a pretty predetermined amount of time then the whole thing implodes. that is the process. last year, there must have been something wrong with the chemistry because the entire thing went kaput right in the beginning. it doesn't matter though; it (last year's near fling) served its purpose anyway. you see, i'm not a long hauler. i figure that people come into your life, you learn a lesson (and have some fun if you're lucky), and then they disappear into the void. it's very simple. there is no planning for marriage or moving in with folks, "lovin' is really my game" (all my disco heads will get that). i was lying in bed this morning thinking about the totally awful dream i had wednesday night (and boy was it awful. i woke up with a start at 6 a.m. even though i had gone to bed totally too late and needed at least three more hours of sleep. the moment i was conscious a parade of failures marched through my mind causing me to repeatedly yell expletives at the dark room. i actually had to stop myself from turning on the waterworks. what's weird is that i have had possibly THE most gruesome dreams of anyone i know since i can remember. every night, i'd wake up with some new series of gory and disturbing horror stories to tell--one of my best involving newborn babies crashing to the ground--and i was never really bothered by these. i just accepted them as part of my repressed and twisted state of mind, no big whoop. but the night before last i had a dream that really screwed me up. i had to sedate myself to fall asleep last night. anyway...) and i had to snap myself out of it. my perceived failures were starting to feel insurmountable simply because i was moving toward "the bad place" (sounds like an unnaturally precocious and creepy kid in a b horror movie, nice).

the fact is i'm not doing so bad, and the mere coincidence that everyone my age (and younger) are getting married and/or shacking up is nice for them, but that is not me. i surveyed my past flings, and i've learned some pretty valuable lessons that one shouldn't shake a stick at (don't you just love all these folksy witticisms): ambrose* taught me that being a total slut in the right context is okay; cecil* taught me that craziness can be functional; squelch* taught me that i've got to be more aggressive; and farouk* taught me that i'm not as honest and straight forward as i think i am. (there were some other people sandwiched in there, but they either reinforced lessons or i can't remember their names well enough to disguise them.) i think that's some good stuff; now i just have to internalize all of it. what is my point here since this is just starting to sound like a crazy single person's justification for being alone? well...i'm not quite sure. i just felt the need to type all that.

* names have clearly been changed simply because former interests stumbling upon your website and seeing their names is potentially uncomfortable. i mean i'm weird, but i'd try my damndest not to date someone named cecil.


Anonymous said...

Hey Q,
Do you know what I do when I have a really bad dream I sing myself to sleep. I sing really soft songs, it is sooooo soothing. You should try this yourself.

Here are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs.
-My heart is filled with so much love
-And I need someone I can call my own
-To fall in love--that's what everyone's dreaming of
-I hold this feeling oh so strong
-Life is too short to live alone
-Without someone to call my own
-I will care for you, you will care for me
-Our love will live forever
-Shower me with your love
-Shower me with the love that I long for
-Shower me with your love
-Shower me with the love I've been waiting for

Thank God that my fiancĂ© didn’t run into “ambrose”, “cecil” or “farouk” because she would miss out on our LOVE.

Take that to heart sweetie,


atrackbrown said...

i should've known it was you--anonymous, calling me 'Q'--it all adds up.

two things:

1. your fiance (congrats!) has run into cecils and farouks. you are not the first person she's dated. your relationship is functional because she's undoubtedly learned lessons from past interactions that she can apply now.

2. you're still lame as shit. typing 'love' in all caps? dude, grow some balls.

Anonymous said...

I not engaged- I’m just messing with you (I know that was lame). I’ve been reading your blogs and I see that you are growing as person and that is wonderful to see. One day you will (or if you have not already) learned from your pass relationships and it will all be clear to YOU. Soon you will not be involved in insular practices such as refusing to leave the house or answering the phone.

You have a lot to offer a mate, but either you don’t know or don’t want to give it.
This is sad because you are really cool.

As time goes on you will realize as I have why the entire world invests so much stock in relationships (pairing) and you will sing the song below:

-How does is feel to finally be free
-I wonder will I ever know
-Sometimes I dream of how that can be
-To have a life that I own

-When you look at me
-what do you see
-do you understand my story
-all I want is love
-For someone else to see
-If you took the time I have a song

(Eric Roberson is all that)

I’m sorry I couldn’t resist and please don’t rip me too bad for being so soft (LOL)


Monica said...

i love the disguises for farouk, squelch and ambrose (they are obvious). but as you mentioned...cecil? come on. Something tells me that anonymous is actually Squelch. Oh damn, I just figured out who cecil is. Hee hee. For real though, WORD. I hope that echoed through the trees, rooftops and canyons. Why do people equate couplehood with success and assume that their personal happiness is everyone else's goal? That's like assuming that everyone enjoys miracle whip sandwiches and telling them with head shaking pity and a condescending head tilt that they are missing out upon discovering their distate for the idea.

atrackbrown said...

monica, i'm pretty sure you don't know who cecil is, but i'm curious to know who you think it is...

and anonymous, you're hilarious. though your assumptions about people's growth into this monolithic need for couplehood is laughable and naive, you;re still alright. keep it up.

RASOL said...

You made an EBTG reference, words can't describe what I feel right now. .....but I'll try....I'm...
....sleep, its past midnight, and I got a 9:30 study session, I'll comment later.

do you like being you want me back....

life ain't as easy as song lyrics

Anonymous said...


Relationships suck, the Lonely Heart CD is back in full effect.

Surface sucks too.

See ya around