Pure Hilarity

I'm loving this rash of goofy yet hilarious commercials championed by the likes of GEICO (holla, I got mad low rates, yo!), Skittles, Burger King and Comcast. One of my recent favorites:



I, too, Mr. Pinata man, feel alienated from my fellow man. I often think people think I don't bleed, feel, cry, but am filled with little sour-flavored, jellied candies. Just as you are filled with real blood and guts, not "little chocolatey candies," I, too, am filled with the entrails of human emotion.

"I'M JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!"

(There isn't a trace of seriousness in this post.)

The Forbidden Kingdom

Last night, with mama and brother in tow, I ventured out to see The Forbidden Kingdom, the much anticipated Jet Li, Jackie Chan movie. Before I explain my disappointment in detail, let me say this: Jet Li was covered in blond monkey fur and giggled repeatedly. Nuff said really, but let me elaborate on why they could've kept this movie and why my brother and I have agreed to never acknowledge its existence again.

First off, this is my second Jet Li disappointment. A couple of years back, there was this film, War, featuring Jet Li and Jason Statham, two of my most favorite movie dudes ever. I figured I was in for a level of kick-ass intensity such as the world had rarely seen. While purchasing some Tony Jaa DVDs from the Best Buy, some seemingly knowledgeable dude warned my brother and me not to see it. He said that it sucked, that it did not live up to its potential, and that it promised to disappoint. My brother and I said, "No, this can't be. The very fact that Jason Statham and Jet Li are in a movie together is surely enough to guarantee illness, or, at the very least, dopeness." However, dude was convincing; he seemed to know his shit, so we didn't see War that night. A few months ago, though, we reconsidered. There was no way, we said, that this movie could be that bad, so we Comcasted it and proceeded to have one of the most painful movie experiences we have ever known. I'll not detail why War was such a huge, odoriferous turd. Just know that it was awful and you should steer very clear.

Fast forward to yesterday. We're in the Macy's for a quick lip gloss run (for me; my brother's not a fan of the shimmery lip look) and we're discussing our doubts. Trailers for The Forbidden Kingdom haven't had the sort of epic seriousness we feel this legendary match up deserves. There's a bit of "family friendliness" about it that could be quite distasteful, we say. He is quite sure that the movie will tank, but I am more optimistic. So we see it. The entire time Jimmy's shaking his head and whispering, "Not like this." I'm just kinda staring at the screen and thinking, "Wow, this is NOT good." Now the movie isn't necessarily terrible, but it is not worthy of two of the greatest martial artists of our generation. It's a family film, with bad choreography, bad directing ... and a goofy white protagonist. Yes ladies and gentleman, a studio has the talents of both Jet Li and Jackie Chan on hand, and they make the focus of the story some diffident goof with tousled hair. They even deign to have him saving Jackie Chan's life! (The nerve.)

Yeah. So while the story line is rote and familiar, which really isn't a problem in action films, the fights were nothing to write home about either. The least we could have gotten, as fans, were some great fights, but nooooo. Instead we get these slick and poorly directed Jean Claude Van Damme-ish match ups. They were spliced to hell and the angles were terribly chosen. There was nothing epic about them. The anticipated match up happened in the middle of the film, and the final fight was barely a fight at all. There should have been flames and electricity and feathers and all sorts of shit. Yes, this movie failed. Perhaps, if I were a parent looking for a PG action flick for the kiddies, I'd be fine. But, I'm not. I'm a blood thirsty martial arts film lover who wanted to see Jet Li and Jackie Chan beat the living shit out of each other using chair fu and boulder fu and foot fu and all other kinds of fu that I've only imagined. I did not get that. Shame on Casey Silver Productions.

Terminator X - Juvenile Delinquentz

I just had to post this video. This was my ish back in eighth grade. Oh, how time brings irony. Just think, I was yelling "we say f*ck school, but we still get through" and now I'm a high school teacher. Hilarious!

Breaking News - The Boys/The Suns of Light

Yes, The Boys, of "Dial My Heart" fame, are the focus of this particular entry.

Walk with me, back to the past, say 1988, when I was young and fresh-faced and totally in love with this new boy band aptly (and perhaps too simply) named The Boys. There were four of them, and though they were all talented, I reserved my girlish, squealing love for the second oldest, Hakim. (I watched Ernest Goes to Camp a million times just to see him sing "Gee, I 'm Glad It's Raining".) The Abdulsamad bothers were such a big deal for a minute that having their white tape with you guaranteed instant friendship with other adolescent girls. I recall showing up to a birthday party with tape in hand and causing a frenzy. For the rest of the party, we all gathered around the stereo and screamed and screamed.

In 1998, when I dropped out of school to move to Atlanta with my rap group (mmm hmm, you read correctly), I stumbled upon an article on my lost loves in Creative Loafing, Atlanta's version of The Chicago Reader. Apparently, they had moved to Gambia, grown locks, and were now performing as The Suns of Light. I was intrigued, but didn't pursue this further.

Today (in 2008), I'm on YouTube looking for older R&B hits from the 80's and who do I stumble upon? Hakeem and Tajh!!!!! Dude, they turned out cute. I figured that I had to blog about this, just in case some other old ass thirty year old was out there reminiscing about The Boys. Why these reminisces occur in ten-year intervals, I don't know. Something about completeness and order, I presume, but nevermind the esoteric stuff, enjoy these strapping fellas, ladies.

Fun facts:

Hakim is reportedly releasing his solo album this year. I'm all over it.

Also, he wrote "Mama Africa" from Akon's Konvicted album.


The Boys then
"Lucky Charm" from Messages From the Boys


Performing "Dial My Heart" on Oprah


Them now
Hakeem with the Gambian youth (yute):


Hakeem doing "shout outs"


Tajh greeting the people


The Suns in Gambia


On some non-lechery, they look really happy. Much success, fellas. (And for those of you reading this, support them.)

"Spring" is Here

(Note: There may be an obvious absence of r's in this post because MC Fatty Fat Ass spilled delicious treats on the keyboard and now the r and z are stuck, sorry.)

The arbitrary calendar says that spring is here, and though those of us in Chicago know better, understand that spring is some illusory season that never really comes, there's no reason to not welcome the spring fashions.

As I've done for many springs now, I have decided on a theme upon which my entire wardrobe will be based. This year, my theme will be (wait for it) ... Bright Assed Global Animal Farm. Yes, it sounds awful, like some loud ass hodge podge of fur and skin; however, do not be mislead by this simple description of what may be my best summer yet; I will be fabulous. In honor of my chosen summer theme, I present some pieces that must be copped. Please do resist the urge to bite, for biting is neither grown nor sexy.



It is not enough to simply hint at the animal influence. No, there must be actual animals hanging from one's ears. We all know I'll one day be that older woman draped in zebra print. Better to embrace it now.



Snakes on a chain. *snicker*



Nothing like a big ole piece of fake turquoise to liven things up.



♪"Monkeys [no] and tigers [yes], loop the loop."♪
Crouching tiger, hidden dragon.



Stacks and stacks of Ma(a)sai bracelets are good for the soul.




Love this shoe. It looks a bit overwhelming here, but I've seen it in person and trust me, it is divine. The leather is as soft as those nice guys who finish last, and the shoe is so well constructed, I could probably wear it exclusively all summer.



I anticipate this shoe will fill all my "neutralize this look" needs.




Another from my current favorite shoe designer.



This post would not be complete without a wedge. We all know that I love a wedge. This one, in electric blue and suede, is enough to fulfill both my shoes wants--comfort and ridiculousness.



Cute and comfy mini-wedges from Due Farina's diffusion line. Just bright enough to pair with even brighter colors.



As you can see, I haven't exactly made it to actual clothing yet, but I'm getting there. And really, once you've got you accessories and shoes picked out, everything else is a piece of cake.

RIP Static Major

I'm really late on this and am really sorry that I am, but atrack's been experiencing some emotional difficulties that prevent her from posting. Needless to say, this was surprising and just plain sad. I guess we'll never get another album from one of my top five male groups of all time, Playa; but I do thank you, Static, for the years of bangers you've provided. There were many who didn't know your illness. Sucks to be them.

Jokes aside, this is quite sad. My heart (the part that's actually worth a damn) goes out to his family, Black, and Smoke.

Select Bangers
"Can I Take You Home" - Jamie Foxx
When I heard this, I just knew someone from Playa was involved. The song has Playa written all over it. Static should've kept this one for himself and the boys, but oh well.


"Happy Birthday" - Playa
The boys in rare form.


"Your Dress" - Playa
Those harmonies, y'all, and those delightfully inappropriate lyrics.


"Top of the World" - Playa
From one of the best R&B albums of the 90s.

Yum

This is the greatest thing I've ever tasted. Seriously, I teared up when I tried it. I simply thought this was because of the delicious flavor, but once I had my friend Rachel taste, I realized the reason was a bit fatter and more disturbing; this is essentially butter in ice cream form. So, if you love butter, could eat sticks of it (like I sometimes do), get thee to your local Haagen Daz supplier.

Honorable Mentions

Caramelized Pear and Toasted Pecan

Green Tea