Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Emotional


Dude, I got emotional today. For those who know me, there is an understanding that this is rare (or was before the devil in form of BC took over my hormone regulation). Anyway, I was sitting in 4th period today (I really do owe them an apology. Despite being oppositional and kinda dry, they did the best of all the classes on the mythology unit--yay them!) and I got misty, almost tearful--tearsty. I thought, "I'm really gonna miss these little scamps."

You see, I have less than two weeks left to my student teaching placement. Next Friday is my last day. After then, I may never see these kids again. So I surveyed the room from behind the desk (I'm no longer teaching, just observing, grading papers, and butting in every once and again) and I thought about how different the experience of being in the room with these kids now feels different from being with them on the very first day. Once, we were all strangers; they were these nameless faces with overactive bodies attached who heightened my anxiety and induced my fear of failure. Now, today, around 11:05 a.m., I looked around the room and saw faces that I know, that have personalities and attitudes and individual memories of interaction attached to them. I had, with these kids, done something that I rarely ever do; I had put myself completely at their mercy. I had placed myself in precarious and unforeseeable situations in front of them, had attempted and failed with them watching. I rarely do anything outside of my comfort zone. My motto is to only open my mouth or act when I'm darn sure of the outcome or reaction. I like to act in complete surety to avoid any danger of embarrassment or ineptitude. However, for 15 weeks or so, I had abandoned these things, and they--my students--had been there to witness every fuck up and success. Dude, I don't abandon myself in that way around my family or friends, even. This shit was hella special and shit (I'm hard, dammit!).

So yeah, I got emotional. Perhaps, it's simply the Desogen--which, by the way, sucks ass--but I feel, despite my anxiety of soon being both unemployed and idle, a sense of accomplishment. This was one of those infrequent experiences that forces folks to stop being so prosaic. I now have less of an issue with figuratively falling completely on my ass in front of people. That's pretty emancipating, bitches!

7 comments:

Monica said...

so does this mean that you will now agree to do fun stuff besides staying in the house for on demand cable? dude, i wnet to hot doug's and it was a tasty delight. 4 words: duck fat cheese fries.

atrackbrown said...

as i typed that last blog entry, i knew in the back of my mind that this would be your response/question. i almost supplied a response to your question in the post, but i decided to leave it unmolested.

no, that does not mean that i'll do more stuff now...i'm still me. it just means that i'm less uptight about stuff i actually want to do.

and what's up with the duck fat cheese fries. doug used to refuse to fill that order. in fact, that was the only thing he refused to do cuz he didn't want to taint the purity of the duck fat fry. how'd you manage that?

Monica said...

cheese on the side

Monica said...

and furthermore, what made you assume that i would comment in the frist place?

Natalie said...

Dude that was creepy, you don't seem like yourself at all. Lakeiya said I should leave you alone because something wonderful and beautiful is happening to you. I think it's just odd. Are you coming to the x-mas party?

atrackbrown said...

monica---
i didn't necessarily know that you'd respond on my blog, but i knew what your response would be if, in fact, you had one

natalie---
yeah. i'm becoming a soft punk, but it's still rare that i have this sort of emotional outburst. it's like i'm becoming human--small steps. when is the christmas party? where? what kinda food?

Natalie said...

at work 20th 1:30pm. potluck and of course drinks. To be sure ask Joyce she is planning it.