Getting My La Pasadita On

I used to have a tradition called Hot Dog Fridays that featured Hot Doug's. That eventually evolved into Taco Fridays featuring La Pasadita.

Tonight, I wanted to revisit those times and attempted to emulate La Pasadita's taco. It definitely wasn't the same, but it was damn tasty.

Word to the wise, do not attempt to drink eisbocks and be functional. Those joints are mad strong (and delicious).

Also, tomorrow I'm getting my left arm all kinds of illustrated, and I'm having doubts. Unfortunately, the sugar cube was dropped, leaving room for the robot parts, cheeseburger, and stick of butter only. Apparently, this whole exercise will take about 20 hours. Yay?

Watchmen tomorrow.

In Fatter News ...

I'm slowly reverting back to my former habits. This morning I made waffles (approximately seven of them), and this evening I made chocolate chip cookies. I'm gonna stop fighting it; I was meant to have high LDL levels and intermittent chest pains from all the fat I consume.

For Schmoe Diggla's Mama's birthday, we hit Chi-Tung. People were dangerously close to food coma.

See? Jimmy has collapsed over his cookie.

My delicious fruit punch backwash remains untouched cuz I have
approximately 14 pounds of food in my stomach.

However, the random Asian food gods have some good news for me.
Perhaps they refer to a cholesterol test.

To keep the fat fattening, I plan on having a pepper crusted steak and a potato gratin tomorrow. That means I'll have meat, potatoes, and cream for dinner. Mmm ... food.

I guess this is a good enough space to make a random Alton Brown allusion. "Oh, bother."


Also, there are some bloggers out there doing wonderful things for food. Thank you.
Coconut & Lime
Closet Cooking - singlehandedly responsible for my love of orange root vegetables with blue cheese.
101 Cookbooks
Orthogonal Thought

Finally, the Fat Boys had it all figured out:

Happy New Year

Note the lack of appropriate exclamation. It's a new year, sure, but these arbitrary distinctions in time don't really excite me, especially since nothing has really changed for me.

Ha! Ha! (Mood change.)

No need to be all Eeyore in this piece.

So, just to kick things off all proper like, I figure I'd address those who apparently read this blog but do not comment. Thanks for reading ... really. It's good to know that Monica isn't the only one.


Next, a quick movie review. The fam and I saw The Spirit, which was godawful. I got the comedic turn on film noir; however, it was so poorly done that there were very few redemptive qualities. I mean, the characters were so flat as to appear wooden. The dialogue was stiffer than Ron Jeremy at an outdoor orgy. Oh yeah, the cinematography was pretty great to my untutored eyes, and Scarlett Johansson's wardrobe was pretty boss, but that's it. Other than that, wait for it to come OnDemand, if then. Sorry, Gabriel Macht, no star turn for you.

Finally, the jury is in. I'm 30, which means I need to stop being delusional about my core self. I hate parties. I do not enjoy the company of large throngs of strangers (unless, of course, we've come together for the mutual appreciation of some music act). My idea of "going out" is eating. That's it. Take my rapacious ass to a restaurant of some sort, place me in front of a platter of edibles, and get back. That, my dears, is what life is about, chasing diabetes and blood pressure. In honor of this recognition, I spent half of New Year's Eve enjoying the comforts of slightly hoity-toity foods with my like-minded buddies. For only 40 bucks, we feasted on chicken livers mousse, trout roe blinis, Sicilian tuna, seafood bouillabaisse, young chicken with chestnuts, chocolate date cakes, and honey panna cottas. It was all delicious. If in Chicago, check out The Bristol on 2152 N. Damen; I hear they have brunch, which I'm thoroughly looking forward to. I then went to a party, where I quickly retreated into an empty room to play cards then went out for more food. Ain't nothing like a BLT at three in the morning.




Blinis and chicken liver mousse

Sicilian Tuna

Chocolate Date Pudding Cake and Chestnut Honey Panna Cotta

IT'S BACK! VIENNETTA IS BACK!!!!

I have no words.

Okay, maybe a few.

This dessert is so much more than crispy wafers, delicious "ice cream," and a dusting of chocolate powder. It's the foundation of friendships, friendships built on gluttony and the itis and co-dependent emotional eating. Monica remembers the times we'd split these down the center and eat contently for minutes. I thought they'd gone forever, but alas, my drinking habit (the one that had me trolling for beer at two in the afternoon) had me serendipitously happen upon these wonderful slices of heaven at the Jewel-Osco on Roosevelt & Ashland. (In a not so funny twist on this tale, I was followed from the store by security for stealing. Huh?)

Anyway, I haven't opened them yet, so they may be disgusting, much like the "Jello Pudding Pops" Monica and I found some years ago. (Boy was that a disaster. So sad, so sad.) However, I believe in the resiliance of ice milk and chocolate wafers. I mean, who could screw that up?

I'll report back.

I REALLY Love Food, Bacon Especially

Perhaps the most appropriate post considering the name of my blog. I like food. I like eating it, watching shows about it, talking about it, and, sometimes, fixing it. I'm not too expressive, but the right meal can bring tears to my eyes. (See my post about the salted caramel cupcakes from More.) You see that blurry shot over there? That's a dancing bacon man ... on my arm. I don't regret it and I doubt I ever will. As a matter of fact, a cannibalistic cheeseburger and stick of butter on a throne will be joining him soon.

I figured I'd give bacon the place it deserves on my blog, center stage. See, it appears I am so not alone. The people love bacon. Apparently, there's this bacon frenzy all over the innanets. Who knew? Why not count the ways?

Bacon Extravaganza!!!!

There's a seasoning available to make anything taste like bacon. Now, how convenient is that? Honestly, is there anything that shouldn't?

The same company gives you the opportunity to smear it on your favorite sandwich in naise form. Really, these people are saints. And no worries for those who give not one muck, there is a full fat version.

Lazy? Too busy to bother with bacon yourself? No problem. There are robots who will shop and come to your house to fix it for you. Hilarious, but I'm not making this up. Go here and type in your zip code for an appointment.

Eating aside, I'm sure some of you have felt the need to be swaddled in bacon, to smell like it even. Here, my dears, is the answer to your dreams, a bacon-scented, bacon print tuxedo. A darn good price, only 100 bucks at Archie McPhee's.

Or maybe you'd rather luxuriate in pig in the privacy of your home. This too is possible. Chrischunski over at Etsy would love to accommodate you with this bacon-patterned scarf knit from merino wool.

Maybe you just wanna stay in the know. No problem. Bacon Today is an online magazine dedicated to daily musings about this magical meat. Stop by.

Cupcake Crazy

I've been on a rampage lately, a rampage to ingest as much sugary crap as is humanly possible. Apparently, Chicago is the perfect city for this, as we have quite a selection of bakeries. Follow me, fellow fat ass, as I take an inventory of Chicago's cupcakeries.



Sweet Mandy B's
1208 W Webster Ave
Mon-Thu 8:00 a.m.-9:00 p.m.
Fri-Sat 8:00 a.m.-10:00 p.m.
Sun 8:00 a.m.-9:00 p.m.

It's relatively close to the house and has quite a selection. Downside, there is routinely a gaggle of moms with expensive strollers and shitloads of children--so annoying. I've tried quite a number of things here: cupcakes, cake slices, cookies, pie, and puddings. At first, this place was the cat's meow; I thought the dreamsicle cupcake was the bestest thing in life. Now, I know better. Better is ...




Molly's Cupcakes
2536 North Clark Street
MONDAY » 12:00pm to 10:00pm
TUESDAY – THURSDAY » 8:00am to 10:00pm
FRIDAY – SATURDAY » 8:00am to 12:00am
SUNDAY » 8:00am to 10:00pm
I've been going to Aloha Grill directly next door for a while now, but never noticed that a cupcake spot that serves HOME MADE ICE CREAM happened to open next door. How is this possible? Did my fat girl radar break? Anyway, while on an excursion to find new frames for my homey Rachel, we spotted Molly's and promptly decided to go in. Not too many days later, Monica, Chanda, and I returned. (They subsequently returned the next day; I love that my friends are as fat as I.) Not only do they serve one of the best red velvet cupcakes in the city (the frosting just bursts with cream cheese flavor), but they have stuffed and filled cupcakes as well. The Ron Bennington is chocolate cake with a peanut-butter-butterscotch filling, chocolate ganache, and a crushed butterscotch topping. Come on, go here people. It's a super cute place and the desserts are outstanding.





More Cupcakes
One East Delaware Place
8 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday through Saturday
and 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. on Sunday
Just hit this spot today and was inspired by, perhaps, the best cupcake I've ever had to author this entry. More is simply cupcakes, nothing else. This place is quite a hot topic since they've been featured in Time Out Chicago and other food media. Bottom line, the hype is deserved. Both Monica and I bought a flight featuring six mini cupcakes and were thoroughly pleased by everything. The salted caramel cupcake will change your life. Imagine moist yellow cake filled with rich, salted caramel and topped with fluffy icing and a dusting of what I assume is sea salt. For those of you with sweet tooths (yes, i mean tooths), the addition of salt may seem somewhat blasphemous. Trust me, as a person who puts brown sugar in everything (including lasagna), it is a perfect counterpoint to the cupcake's sweetness. They're a bit expensive, but if you have the money, it's worth it.

Yum

This is the greatest thing I've ever tasted. Seriously, I teared up when I tried it. I simply thought this was because of the delicious flavor, but once I had my friend Rachel taste, I realized the reason was a bit fatter and more disturbing; this is essentially butter in ice cream form. So, if you love butter, could eat sticks of it (like I sometimes do), get thee to your local Haagen Daz supplier.

Honorable Mentions

Caramelized Pear and Toasted Pecan

Green Tea

WEAVE BRAIDS!!!! b/w Blowuptuation

that's right. part two of operation regrow afro puff has been fulfilled (with part one being grow a ridiculous florida evans afro, but i digress) ... i have a WEAVE!

it's hilarious and annoying, but i can deal with it.

check me out.

side view:


so yeah, that's that. i have a weave; deal with it.

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in other news, it's summer (yeah, no duh asshole). this is significant; just bear with me. see summer means, since i'm a teacher and have the summer off, a loss of routine, spare time, idleness. all these mean more time to eat. see, when teaching, i had limited time so i had gorgeously healthy eating habits: oatmeal for breakfast, peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat and lots and lots of water. now? well i can go to brunch everyday or wake up to homemade biscuits and grits and sausage every morning (thus far, i've undoubtedly filled my biscuit quota. see picture above. that pan was full before i demolished it). just the other day, i returned to my hot doug's routine of eating two large sausages smothered in foreign cheeses, creams, and caramelized onions (sounds gross, but it is heaven).

to really illustrate the danger i'm in here, let me take you on a guided tour of my kitchen and bedroom (bedroom? but why? you, dear reader, shall see.)

let's start small and build.

the kitchen is full of wonderful junk to make and eat:



the fridge



the freezer



shelf



this is my collection of necessary condiments, all lined up in my bedroom. i must have barbecue sauce near me at all times. this is sad, pathetic, and really unhealthy.

what's the point here? well, the point is that i shall be three hundred pounds by the end of the summer. the point is "i can't control my fooood!" help me. i need an intervention.

Aaaaand Scene

So that's it. I'm done. My first semester as a teacher is done. Today, I disseminated report cards, said goodbye to my classroom, and came home to eat left over shrimp and cheese grits (recipe below) and an inordinate amount of brownies. Now, I'm sitting denuded at my computer typing to my sparse public (that would be you, dear reader).

Now that I have all this free time, three months to be more exact, I haven't the slightest clue of what to do with it. No more fretting over being prepared for the coming week or having nightmares about my students or busily mulling over the time needed to grade papers. Nope, I'm free. Freedom does not become me; I may very well sit in this house and eat myself fat and depressed until September comes. I need friends.

Anyway, I'm photo logging my hair growth cuz I'm lame. While taking updated pictures of my "Good Times" fro this morning (yes, a student told me that I look like a character from "Good Times," and not a cool, foxy one like Willona or Thelma but Florida Evans or, worse, James. She didn't say Florida or James, but I know what she was thinking), I took this really cool picture. Isn't it bitchin'?

That's all I got.

I'm so proud of myself! I made shrimp n' grits and homemade biscuits for the first time yesterday. Everything was delicious.

homemade biscuits (about a dozen)

2 cups flour (good flour, like Gold Medal)
1 tbsp baking power (a little less if using buttermilk or sour cream)
1 tsp salt
1 tbsp sugar
1/3 cup butter, which is about 5 1/3 tbsp (cut into cubes and chilled) - i always use unsalted butter; it's fresher
about 1 c milk, buttermilk or sour cream (chilled) - i always prefer buttermilk because it gives a country twang, but I had none so I used sour cream

preheat oven to 425 degrees

grease a pan (i use butter cuz i'm fat)

whisk together flour, powder, salt and sugar thoroughly (very thoroughly. otherwise, you will taste the soda). cut in butter (i just use my hands to squeeze everything together) until the mixture resembles cornmeal (having some larger globs of butter is okay. just don't over agitate until the fat melts. the butter must remain relatively cold). slowly pour in milk, buttermilk or sour cream until the mixture pulls away from the bowl (if using sour cream, add just a little water or milk to thin it). depending on how dry or humid the weather is, you may or may not need the entire cup of liquid.

dust hands with flour. with a hand, scoop up a piece of dough, gently form into ball and place in greased pan. i do this while the dough is still sticky. this way, i get light and fluffy (not tough) biscuits. repeat until all dough has been used.

bake in preheated oven for 11-15 minutes.

again, i'm fat, so i rub the tops of the biscuits with butter before and after baking.

enjoy!

Cheese Grits (very easy)

Old Fashioned grits, made to the box's specifications
sharp cheddar cheese
garlic salt (dash)
lots of pepper

I made enough for four people, used 1/2 cup of cheese and seasoned to taste. this part was easy.

Shrimp

1 tbsp unsalted butter
1 tbsp olive oil
1 small tomato (chopped)
fresh basil (about a teaspoon)
garlic (the amount is totally up to you. i love garlic, so i use a lot.)
about 9 large shrimp (trader joe's precooked, frozen variety works for me)

melt butter, add olive oil. saute tomato and garlic til tomatoes soften. toss in basil and shrimp. cook very briefly until shrimp is heated. any longer and the shrimp will be tough.

pour the shrimp mixture over some hot cheese grits, grab some biscuits, and eat like a pig.

Aldi Rules!

So you all know that I've recently made this commitment to working out. Just a few posts ago, I had done extensive (?) research and had chosen my elliptical. Well, let me tell ya. I got a tip from a friend of a friend that Aldi had ellipticals, so, skeptically of course, I went, just to be judicious in my quest for health. So we (my colleague and I) get there, we see the elliptical. "Looks okay," we think. We hop on, just to get a "feel" for its effectiveness; "Feels okay," we think. Twenty minutes later we're loading a Jamz Fitness elliptical into the minivan care of Aldi, and get this...it was only $179.99.

I know what you're all thinking. A one-hundred eighty dollar elliptical from Aldi can't be worth a damn. Hell, I was worried myself (I remember my completely Aldi-themed parties from childhood and feel a spot of shame that I was pissed that my mom didn't even bother to get "real" Twinkies, but I digress...), but after one increasingly frustrating night and one easy morning of putting the damned thing together (81 parts people, 81!) I feel more confident. Plus, the damned thing (what's with this 'damned'? am i a gruff caucasian man?) has a one year warranty; that's pretty good. Usually, shitty products that are doomed to fall to pieces have half-assed warranties somewhere along the 30 to 90 day mark. Even if it does miraculously stop working on the 366th day, I still will have paid way less than any gym membership anywhere. My friends, I came what they call the fuck up.

So in the spirit revering Aldi, I'm going to take some time to show you some of the great deals available from my German friends at locations around the globe. On the domestic tip, please know that you can get hella deals every day of the week. Though I'm disappointed in their recent price hike in eggs (now $1.09 a dozen), I got $8.00 easy to assemble book shelves that still hold the hell out of my crap to this day. Don't be fooled by the low prices, yo!

Check out Aldi UK. Aldi France is a delight as well. And Aldi Australia is the bomb! As of January 6, $15 shoes and computer desk/chair sets for $99; you've got to be kidding me.

Yep, good ole Aldi. You gotta love it. Soy milks, perhaps the best dry packaged cocoa mix, and ever present wine coolers, they have something for everyone--carnivores, vegans and everyone in between. Next week, Aldi US will have all sorts of bathroom fixtures and decoration on sale. If you're looking for a new faucet or shower head or maybe just a few decorative rugs, Aldi is your place. Oh, and for those who don't know, Trader Joe's and Aldi are owned by the same brothers; perhaps this will help remove some embarrassment (if you're snooty enough to have any) of shopping at Aldi.

*special thanks to my colleague for making all of this happen

Thank God That's Over

happy holidays and shit. i can't express how happy i am that the seasonal feigned interest in goodwill, joy and caring is over. i can say that i'm quite happy with the seasonal sales; i've come up on some coveted items at ridiculous prices, yay me.

anyway, i've decided to do a few things in the coming year. (these decisions have nothing to do with new year's resolutions. i just happen to be making changes at this time.) in the interest of the new me, i've decided to 1. grow my hair out and 2. purchase an elliptical to work some fat off my deceptively fat ass (and to perhaps stop these unexplainable chest pains). the first may be tough. as soon as my hair gets any longer than a half an inch, i quickly call my barber for an appointment; however, i'm kinda sick of this look, the whole mature and bald thing. it's time to take it to the "next level." the second thing, the working out, i need to do and have been needing to do for a while. some of you may know that i joined the y(mca) last january. i have not seen the inside of said 'y' since april. even worse, i was exactly across the street from said 'y' yesterday, but couldn't be bothered to go in because i had over four pounds of filet mignon, several quarts of juicy juice, five pounds of chocolate chips, 12 buttery croissants (cwah-SOWH, say it with me), and other such delights to truck home. priorities, man, priorities.

when i got home, i filled up on a medium rare, two-inch thick steak smothered in blue cheese and sour cream and chive mashed potatoes. clearly i need this elliptical in my life. the problem with leaving the house to exercise is the whole leaving the house part. i am a lazy, insular hermit. i do not like leaving the house or carousing with the locals, even it is distanced interaction and does not involve speaking; it will not do. i came to the conclusion that the only way i'll ever exercise on a regular basis is by bringing the gym to myself; hence, the home elliptical. i've found the perfect machine--sturdy, economical and hardworking. it has garnered universal praise from fitness experts, and is made by sole, who presumably makes good stuff. i look at it this way: when i was going to the 'y,' i only used the elliptical and the treadmill anyway; this thing is the price equivalent of a year's gym membership anyway (or two, depending on where you go), so i'd rather run the risk of actually using the equipment at home than paying the 'y,' bally or whomever free money. i'm probably going to need some help on this, so all of you out there who would like to see me live rather than dying an instantaneous death over a plate of artery-clogging goodies might just want to start chipping in. also, for any of you who are looking to buy home gym equipment, go here. this guy, who calls himself the Treadmill Sensei, knows his stuff.

during the christmas holiday, i found myself surprisingly unable to leave my mother's house. usually, i'm itching to get back home, but this year i really enjoyed kicking it with the fam. i suppose this is indicative of my inevitable transformation into a human. we watched movies, we went to the movies, we ate, we laughed, we cried. we also went shopping. while shopping, i forced my brother to take some blackmail-worthy photos that appear below. i don't know. i just thought the idea of the UMJ in silly hats was hilarious. so, people, for your viewing pleasure, i present....Hats on Parade. (i do acknowledge that by putting him on blast and on the internet, i run the risk of attracting the attention of some sick, smutty pedophile. i don't really provide any salient details about the UMJ, though, so i think he'll be safe. plus, he'll kick your ass.)


get a load of the look on his face...hilarious.



dude, he's rocking a church hat.


trying to look hard in a pink, textured hat...and WILDLY SUCCEEDING! touche, young man, touche!


and finally, the crown jewel of the collection. like something from dre's early career (think world class wreckin cru, but better).

Well Damn

Have you noticed that I'm getting lazy? Just what is this post your random internet quiz results shit anyway? This description is inaccurate as hell by the way. I do find it funny, though.

My score on The Brutally Honest Personality Test:


Loser- INTP
(13% Extraversion, 73% Intuition, 66% Thinking, 33% Judging)

Talked to another human being lately? I'm serious. You value knowledge above ALL else. You love new ideas, and become very excited over abstractions and theories. The fact that nobody else cares still hasn't become apparent to you...

Nerd's a great word to describe you, and I seriously couldn't care less about the different definitions of the word and why you're actually more of a geek than a nerd. Don't pretend you weren't thinking that. You want every single miniscule fact and theory to be presented correctly.

Critical? Sarcastic? Cynical? Pessimistic? Just a few words to describe you when you're at your very best...*cough* Sorry, I mean worst. Picking up the dudes or dudettes isn't something you find easy, but don't worry too much about it. You can blame it on your personality type now.

On top of all this, you're shy. Nice one, wench. No wonder you're on OKCupid! Now, quickly go and delete everything about "theoretical questions" from your profile page. As long as nobody tries to start a conversation with you, just MAYBE you'll now have a chance of picking up a date. But don't get your hopes up.

I am interested though. If a tree fell over in a forest, would it really make a sound?

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If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, &check out this.

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Tomorrow's my last day with my babies. We'll see if I can hold it together. If not feel free to mock me mercilessly.

In other news, specifically of the "Dude! You're fat. I hear a heart attack coming" variety, I've finally bitten the bullet; I mail ordered food. For those of you with not enough butter, fat or sugary pastries in your life, try Tennessee T-Cakes; they're pretty good. Oh, gotta go. The Office is on.

hmmmm...

see, this is why i didn't want a blog. for those who know me from my "fruity pork" days, you know that i'm a bit lax when it comes to the posting. i tend to be really excited upfront (see the first few consecutive days of posting), then, very quickly, i fall off and start to wonder why i made the commitment in the first place. i only have so many emotions, anyway. by the time i get to my tenth post, every possible emotion i can experience will have been reflected here, so i'll have to start jumping through hoops. hell, look at this post; i've got nothing. i'm wearing my "big robe," eating almond cookies and preparing to devour a frozen uno's pizza all by myself--this is surely not stimulating or interesting.

in other soporific news, i'm old. i've officially reached the turning-into-your-parents phase. i've always liked the blues; now, i'm listening to the sunday evening blues show on 106.3 and downloading the latest shirley brown singles. i also make mixtapes of various blues jams and do the snap, head down, "this mah cut" thing when i hear certain songs in public--way to go me. my favorite pastimes include watching reruns of any show on usa (the network), grocery shopping, and deciding which cake recipe to try next (which, in honor of thanksgiving, will be the pumpkin praline layer cake with cream cheese frosting-hay now!). i don't go out much, and when i do, i get tipsy and get "dorothy voice" while doing variations of the two-step on the dance floor. i drive a minivan. i like gizzards and gravy--a lot. i can tell you z.z. hill's real name and place of birth. despite all this--the slightly disturbing love of new house shoes, the boxes of johnson's foot soap in my closet, the bacon grease container next to the stove--i wouldn't want to be any different. why bother? at least i don't have herpes like many of my peers AND i don't have to worry about getting old; i'm already there.